The things meant to make us more social are actually tearing us apart. That’s not just a brilliant opening sentence—there have been studies that demonstrate that as fact. German studies*. With real scientists. Bona-fucking-fide. They’ve proven things like when people share their happiness on Facebook, it just makes everyone else jealous and depressed. And the people sharing this happiness are, often times, just completely making it up. So the happy people are not really happy, the people subjected to these beautiful lies are made to feel inadequate, and the only thing that really ever goes viral is negativity.
Welcome to my website.
Now, I only use Facebook and Twitter to eat holes in people’s productivity. The fact that you are reading this is probably a direct result of that. But it’s a lot of work being Crap App and when I need to unwind I play “Words with Friends.” I’m sure you’re familiar with it. It’s a word game you play on Facebook or your iPhone. It’s like Scrabble, only cheatier. You can sit and manipulate letter tiles for as long as you want with impunity. You can keep guessing and guessing and guessing until something magically clicks. And it doesn’t have to be a recognizable word. Bedu? What the hell is that.? Best of all, your opponent is probably in a different zip code so you don’t need to worry about some purple-faced screamer getting his froth all over you as he challenges you to “USE VAV IN A GODDAMN SENTENCE! RIGHT NOW! GO FOR IT YOU CHEATING BASTARD!”
Everyone gets mad. They get mad when you beat them, they get mad if they think you’re going easy on them, they get mad if you use their spot, they get mad if you have the Q and the Z, they get mad if you leave them with no opening, they get mad if you take too long to cheat, they get mad if you used an impossible word that you obviously would never use in real life, and they get mad if you forfeit the game. There is no way to make it out of this app with friendships intact.
I’ve had people say they hate me. That they would poison me. Several people just stopped playing me and acted like those games never goddamned happened. They treat me differently now. They’re colder. But still I play. I’m going to keep playing until everyone hates me as much as I hate me. If that’s even possible.
But just to show you that I’m not entirely deserving of this vitriol, I’m going to share with you my winning strategies. You ready?
- Swapping tiles. When some people have a shitty tray of letters, like all consonants or something, they’ll swap tiles for other tiles in the hopes of getting better, higher-value letters. I don’t do that. Instead of wasting a turn, I swap my tiles for points, bitch.
- Eyes. When playing a game, I try to keep my eyes open and pointed at the screen.
- Learning new words. Hey look! Your opponent is teaching you their favorite words! That 90-point turd they just dropped on you, you can use that word later! That’s right, the word isn’t removed from the game never to be played again. All you have to do is remember it, jackass.
- They’re next. Keep this in mind: your opponent goes next. I know in your frenzy to spell TEA on the Double Word tile for a total of 6 points, you may have failed to notice that you’re giving your opponent a perfect stepping stone to the Triple Word tile. But try to play like you know the world isn’t ending with your turn.
- Special spots. Those specially colored tiles are not bad, they’re good. Very good! They give you prizes! Try to plan your moves to include them.
- Contingency. If all else fails, play Candy Crush. But by no means go back to the life you are running from, or be productive in any way.
*Yes, I could link to these things. I could try to remember where I think I saw them. But that’s not the point. Also, WTF, you don’t trust me. Look, I could do the the work for you, but the Internet is right there. It’s all around youuuuu. Find the studies yourself. I’m teaching you how to fish here!